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BBC Sherlock Holmes funny jokes - Benedict Cumberbatch

Created by SherlockExtra - the webmaster

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1. At a critical moment Sherlock’s biggest enemy introduces himself:
- Jim Moriarty, consulting criminal.
- What? – asks John.
- Lawyer or politician, John – explains Sherlock.

2. John arrives at Baker Street late at night. He hesitates a lot before entering the livingroom. Sherlock, covered in a blanket, sits peacefully in front of the fireplace.
- Sherlock, thank heavens you calmed down after shooting at the wall – he brighens.
- Sure, John. Hitting the water-conduit with a bullet was really calming.

3. John glances at the skull on the mantelpiece.
- Why do you have this skull, Sherlock? It has a weirdly blank look and nothing remained of its brain.
- It reminds me of Lestrade, this is the only reason to keep it.

4. Sherlock furiously tumbles into the office of Steven Moffat.
- I had enough! When I wear black clothes, everybody thinks that I am an undertaker. When I don my deerstalker and chequered coat, paparazzis follow me everywhere. When I have my purple shirt on, all women go crazy. When I wear my dark coat, people think I am a street orderly. And there was that awful day when I was in the Buckingham Palace having only a sheet around my body. What comes next?
- A babydoll, Sherlock. A babydoll – grins Moffat.

5. John reads from the newspaper:
- There was a robbery in New York’s biggest and most famous confectionery store. Police searched the place but found no clues, not even a strand of hair.
- Fie, Kojak! – cries out Sherlock. – You and your lollipops!

6. John tosses and tumbles in his bed. He wakes up from a nightmare. He sees some odd things in the moonlight.
- Bones! Bones! – he cries in agonizing voice.
He is in a stupor of dismay. Then Sherlock Holmes yells at him:
- You fool! How many times I told you not to eat chicken in the bed!

7. John trembles and cries out:
- Sherlock! Something rattles in my room. I am so frightened!
- My only advice is to throw out the chocolate papers.

8. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: "The Adventure of the Dancing Men"
- Once more, please! I love to watch them spinning. These dancing men are truly charming.
- All right, Sherlock, but this is the last bowl. The alley closes in two minutes.

9. The greatest detective and his friend run breathlessly from a roller.
- I hate you, Sherlock! – says John.
- I’m sorry, John. I forgot to put on the brake.
- My death will be meaningless… I leave nothing for the further generations.
- What about my meaningless death?
- You leave something behind. Sherlock Holmes stamps and transfer pictures are very popular.

10. Sherlock and John are walking. The latter asks:
- Why are the double-deckers red?
- It is elementary, John. This way bloodstains are not striking after a running-over accident.

11. Sherlock deduces:
- Who can hunt freely in a town? Someone who meets lots of people and who is trusted.
- Sherlock, you are doing this for an hour now. I am cold. I get a cab and go home – snifts John.
- A cab? That’s it, a cabbie! He meets all criteria. It’s Christmas! John, the murder is a cabbie.
- The victims were not hit. And according to a rule introduced last year cabbies are not allowed to carry guns. That is strictly controlled.
- You are right, but somehow he persuaded his passengers to commit suicide.
- Maybe he talked too much….
- No, there must be another explanation.
- I am sorry, Sherlock, but I fear we’ll never find out what really happened. Time is money. It is better for me to go.
- Time… money. That’s it! He pointed at the taximeter.

12. The telephone rings.
- Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective.
- Here speaks dr. Mortimer from Baskerville Hall.
- What do you want?
- I swear I almost died from fear……I went to the garden….and I saw strange things.
- What were those things? Footprints?
- Yes, footprints.
- A man’s or a woman’s?
- Mr. Holmes, these were the footprints of a gigantic hound…..
- I only need a minute to solve this problem. Good bye.
The detective angrily dials and says:
- John, I will kick you in the pants if you go walking in your wolfpaw slippers again!

13. Sherlock excitedly looks through his magnifying glass while he crawls on a road.
- What are you doing? – asks John.
- I follow the signs of the brakes.
- It’s dangerous.
- Tush! I deduce high speed from the traces, the road is straight, there is no sign of edges.
- But Sherlock… are in a Formula One racecourse.

14. Mrs. Hudson arrives at 221B Baker Street and sees that everything in the flat is covered in strawberry icecream.
- What is that? – she asks John.
- A Study in Pink, Mrs. Hudson.

15. Sherlock Holmes looks for a book at The Diogenes Club. John Watson steps up to him and furiously says:
- What a vandalism in the next room! A man who sits in a wheelchair threw a beautiful pocket-watch on the ground and raced through it with his wheelchair.
- Oh, he’s just Stephen Hawking... plus... A Brief History of Time.

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16. The phone rings. Sherlock is on the line.
- John, John, help me, please! There is an elephant with upraised trunk, a snarling dog, a froth-mouthed wolf and a runaway horse rushing around me.
- What? Are you drugged?
- No, John….I examined some footprints and these animals appeared.
- I see. Take a deep breath, stand up and get out of the merry-go-round.

17. Sherlock Holmes examines the torn curtains and the birdcage next to the window.
- John, what do you think, what kind of swift animal can go up on the curtains?
- Based on medieval movies I have seen….Hollywood actors who run from their enemies chasing them with a sword.

18. Hercule Poirot and Hastings walk on a crowded street. They watch Colonel Sebastian Moran running and Sherlock Holmes chasing him. The great detective almost catches the criminal, when it dawns on Poirot that now he can nettle his rival. He cries out:
- Look! Sherlock Holmes is running after a man. You see, Monsieur Holmes is gay.
Then appears John Watson, who follows the running men.
- You’re wrong, Poirot. They are chasing someone – says Hastings.
The passers-by look at the Belgian detective disapprovingly. But he snaps out of it:
- You should know, Hastings, that there is a jealous lover in every relationship.

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19. Sherlock Holmes accidentally enters to a disco. He cries out overjoyed:
- At last, John! Lots of unpredictably moving people, tiresome light effects, loud music, drugs, alcohol and thick smoke. This is a perfect sceen for a crime.

20. Sherlock and John take part in the ball of detectives. The evening seems very boring for them in the castle so they go for a walk in the garden. Something is moving among the bushes, Sherlock takes his gun and shoots three times. Hercule Poirot fells from the bushes, he is dead. Sherlock quickly puts away the gun. The other detectives gather above the corpse.
- I was beside Poirot – explains Japp -, we were peeing. I could not see the shooter clearly, but I observed that he wears a long coat, and someone was following him, because I heard the footsteps of another person.
Sherlock cries out:
- Arrest Columbo and his dog immediately!

21. Mrs. Hudson’s beater goes wrong, so she sends Sherlock to buy a new one for her. The detective looks out at the shop. An attractive woman enters and tells the saleswoman:
- Hello! My name is dr. Jan Garavaglia, Dr. G., I would like to buy 34 big silver pudding bowls.
- Why do you need so many?
- I am a medical examiner, a pathologist. I will use the bowls to keep brains in them. As you may have heard, a plane had crashed, only the crew survived and all the passengers were celebrities. I give some lectures here and mine is the privilege to dissect the victims.
Sherlock catches up:
- My opinion is that 34 egg-cups will suit you better.

22. Sherlock rummages in his wardrobe.
- I can’t find my purple scarf. Where can it be?
Moriarty tells him:
- I gladly help you to make your neck violet…..

23. – Sherlock, why do you need that sheet?
- I am cold, John.
- Well, it’s quite embarrassing that all the firewood had been stolen fromsuch a place like the Buckingham Palace.
- Never forget that the members of the royal family are cold-blooded, John.

All jokes were written by SherlockExtra.

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